The Lawn Gnome Files
by TheSadisticAngel
Summary: We return Selphie's Lawn Knome friend to his cave village. Thongs included in story dialogue... heeheehee
1. Meet Bob Lawn Gnomes, and Secrets

Final Fantasy VIII: The Lawn Gnome Files  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Final Fantasy characters, John Denver, or Starburst. However, I do own Tinsi^r. It is me after all...  
  
Note: HELLO!!! I was bored in class one day, and decided to come up with fan fic. ideas. This is one of them. Aint it cute, yet disturbing all at the same time? It's name is Bob. Say hello to Bob. Speak louder! Bob couldn't hear you. Oh, you didn't say hello? Now look what you did! Bob's crying! Shame on you! Oh, you were eating that new Starburst, so you couldn't? Oh, ok. Now, before you stuff your mouth with another piece, say, "Hi." ......Bob says, "Hi." O.k., let's get to business. trumpets Here is my...Bob, the trumpets can stop now....Thank you...clears throat ...Here is my brand new fan fiction. Enjoy! Also, Bob says to give me/us reviews please.  
  
Bob^ Please...I cry if not....Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!  
  
Tinsir^ They'll review Bob, won't you guys? (Now you have to...Mwahahahaha!)  
  
Bob^ sniff What?  
  
Tinsir^ Oh, nothing...  
  
Bob^ Oh...o.k....  
  
Chapter One:Lawn Gnomes, and Secrets  
  
In the Balamb Garden/ Dr.'s Office  
  
Tinsir^ Now, you can read! Sit back, relax, and listen to my evil laughter.   
  
Squall^ You do laugh menacingly a lot.  
  
Tinsir^ I know. Why are you wearing yellow, and orange board shorts?  
  
Squall^ Don't ask.  
  
Rinoa^ (running up to us) Doesn't Squall look cute?  
  
Tinsir^ Want me to-  
  
Squall^ Yeah.  
  
I ripped the soul out of Rinoa (don't worry, she'll be back- sorta), and put it in a small glass bottle from my pocket.  
  
Tinsir^ You know what to do.  
  
Squall^ (Nods, & flops Rinoa's body over his shoulder.)  
  
Tinsir^ We should get going after you change.  
  
Squall^ Don't..Laugh...  
  
Tinsir^ giggle I'll try giggle, giggle not to...busts out laughing  
  
Squall^ Some effort.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
[In the field by the Garden]  
  
Selphie^ (holding a lawn gnome) I'm ready!  
  
Irvine^ (holding a lot of supplies) We're ready...  
  
Quistis^ Selphie, why do you have a lawn gnome? We're only going to the caves.  
  
Zell^ Keep it away from me! It gives me the creeps.   
  
Irvine^ DON'T ASK!  
  
Selphie^ (tauntingly) I'm gonna tell them anyways! To return it to its lawn gnome home. Where all the lawn gnomes live. (chases Zell around with it)  
  
Squall^ She's finally cracked.  
  
Tinsir^ She was before...  
  
Squall^ You know what I meant.  
  
Tinsir^ Yes...I'm driving! Who's riding shotgun?   
  
Zell, and Selphie stopped dead in their tracks. The others pushed Squall.  
  
Tinsir^ Oh, Squall. I'll drive extra scary just for you!  
  
Squall^ (gives others evil looks) Great. (others whistle " I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane...)  
  
Tinsir^ Let's go! (dashes to car)  
  
Selphie^ Squall, are you suicidal, or something? Or are you just plain stupiiiid. (as she gets ran over) Ouch...  
  
Squall^ ...You should know better. This is the 6th time she's ran you over this week alone...  
  
Zell^ Tinsir does have a nice ass.  
  
Irvine^ Thong?  
  
Zell^ Probably. Squall should know.  
  
Irvine^ Well?  
  
Squall^ (walking to the car, which is doing donuts) What now?  
  
Zell^ Does she wear a thong?  
  
Squall^ What makes you think that I would know?  
  
Irvine^ Do you really want me to answer that question?  
  
Squall^ ...No..and they are low riders.  
  
Irvine & Zell^ Ohhhhhh...  
  
Tinsir^ (honks horn) Let's go! 


	2. Mwahahahahahaha

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Final Fantasy 8 characters, "Eyes on   
  
Me," "Hot in Herre," or Starburst.  
  
  
  
Note: Hello! Bob says, "Hi." He says he tried that new starburst, and thinks   
  
that it is too sour. I haven't tried it yet though...=... I also have   
  
no quams with the Catholic Church. My friend is Catholic...Hey, also   
  
no animals other than Squall's pride were injured in the making of this   
  
fan fiction...Oh, also Bob got a paper cut...He cried. I fixed it. He   
  
liked his bandage. It had his favorite anime character on it. He   
  
giggled. I laughed. Anyway, here is Ch. 2 of this demented fan fic.  
  
Do you feel psychologically disturbed yet?  
  
Chapter 2: Mwahahahahahaha...  
  
Everyone got into the death trap I call Pearl (she's a S.U.V.). She's my car. A lot of weird stuff happened in her...Don't ask. (Actually I don't even have my license...WAAAHHH...) I can actually drive relatively carefully. But then all the SeeDs would ask for rides, and what's the fun in driving carefully? Anyway, we all got in, and Quistis started to hyperventilate. Zell handed her a paper bag, and he started praying, and doing Hail Mary's. Squall held tightly onto the sides of the car. Irvine put Rinoa in the trunk, having to bend her, and breaking bones to get her to fit. He got in, and held onto dear life to the side, and seat. Selphie buckled the happy gnome up, then herself. Meanwhile she hummed, "Eyes on Me." Next she put her arms up like you do on a rollercoaster.  
  
Selphie^ Oooo! Rollercoaster! Having fun yet Quisty?  
  
Quistis^ weez ...No...WEEZ...  
  
Selphie^ You're right. The ride hasn't started yet! Clears throat Ahem, all   
  
passengers aboard the Death Train, please keep all hands, feet,   
  
heads, and all other items in the vehicle at all times. Thank you.   
  
HIT IT!  
  
I sped off into the horizon, making sure to hit every pothole, log, hill, and innocent wildlife (to Selphie's dismay...hee hee hee...) in my line of vision. A giant pink fluffy bunny crossed my path, carrying Chee (a friend)(Ha-ha Chee...evil laughter). I didn't run it over though. I nailed it to a tree. Chee too. (She was angry for a while. I don't blame her. She hates pink bunnies. I hate pink. I like blue/green, and blue. I like water, but not to drink.) I drove recklessly, I admit it. Selphie had fun, and the others got sick. Quistis ended up puking in that bag. During my fun, Squall grabbed my leg for dear life. I still have marks. Now I can't wear the mimi skirt that he likes. Darn it.   
  
*****************************************************************************  
  
We finally made to the cave, and Selphie hopped out, while the others fell out. The gnome looked sick. She grabbed the ceramic one, and hopped off to the cave mouth. The others tried th regain thier motor skills, and I grabbed my stuff, and Squall's ass. Seeing that he was still sick, I put him on my back, and carried him.  
  
Squall^ I can walk.  
  
Tinsir^ Why? Does this position make you uncomfortable?  
  
Squall^ (in a squeaky voice) Not really, it's just a little hot out here.  
  
Zell^ I wonder why.  
  
Tinsir^ It's boiling  
  
Selphie^ (breaks into song, while pole dancing {Irvine was the pole})  
  
It's getting hot in herre  
  
So take off all your clothes  
  
(starts to undress a happy, but freaked out Irvine)  
  
Tinsir^ And they think I'm bad...  
  
Squall^ We are bad. She's just naively worse.  
  
Tinsir^ True. Do you want to reclaim our title?  
  
Squall^ ?  
  
Tinsir^ (grabs him by his lion necklace) Come on (goes into the bushes).  
  
Quistis^ (covers her face, and shakes her head) There they go- Again.  
  
Squall^ (yells excitedly, which is shocking that he's raising his voice at   
  
all) A thong! Yes! 


	3. Something are better left unsaid, or not...

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Final Fantasy/ Altoid characters/ trademarks....blah blah blah.  
  
Note: Hello everyone! PLEASE review if Bob should stay, or if I should evict him.   
  
Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I won't go! Don't make me leave! Waaahhh...!  
  
Me: Ahem Anyway...This chapter is on the disturbing scale, a 7/10. Should I keep the scale too?...Anyway, it could be worse.   
  
Bob: Me cry now... I read it...  
  
Me: Whatever. Here is dum dada dum Chapter 3!  
  
Chapter 3: Some things are better left unsaid- or undone...  
  
Irvine: I told you that it was a thong.  
  
Zell: I never said it wasn't. What do you think they are doing in there?  
  
Quistis (snippy, and sarcastic): What do you think?!  
  
Zell: ..............OH!........GO SQUALL!  
  
Quistis: Pig.  
  
Zell: Oink, oink. C'mon Quisty. The mood is right, and my girlfriend isn't here.  
  
Quistis (Slaps him): Pig (walks off).  
  
Selphie (Stops singing , and dancing): Tinsir, and Squall sound like they're having fun. Let's join them Irvy.  
  
Irvine (Taken aback, but likes the idea minus Squall): Uh, no.   
  
Selphie (trying to peek on her tippy toes): What are they doing anyways?  
  
Irvine (whispers in her ear): Psst psst...  
  
Selphie: Ohhh...Ewwww...While everyone's around?  
  
THUD  
  
Zell: Ow! That hurt, dammit!  
  
Quistis: That's what you get.  
  
Irvine: What happened?  
  
Quistis: Watch them from a tree branch. Then she found out, and-  
  
Zell: BAM! With a boulder. No one said she had telekinetic powers, or anythin'.  
  
Quistis: You're such an idiot. (Rolls her eyes) That's what you get for trying to get free porno.  
  
Irvine: How many times do I have to tell you? Use binoculars, and keep your distance when they do IT.  
  
Selphie (Her head is sizzling in anger): IRVINE?!  
  
Irvine: Uh...Hehe...Not that I'd know...  
  
Quistis: Sure. Good thing that you two are already married, or she may have broken up with you right now.  
  
Selphie (Calm, and picking her fingernails): Squall, and Tinsel are married.  
  
Zell/Quistis: WHAT?!  
  
Irvine: Shhh! Selphie!  
  
Selphie: Well, they are! And we were the witnesses. Irvy made a cute best man.  
  
Irvine: And you made a hot bridesmaid.  
  
Zell: I...wasn't best man?  
  
Quistis: Their marriage would explain a lot...  
  
Selphie: It's a secret though.  
  
Irvine (Mutters): Not anymore.  
  
Selphie: What?  
  
Irvine: You look hot.  
  
Selphie: Oh, thank you, Irvy.  
  
Zell: "Irvy?"  
  
Irvy: Shut up, Zelltoid.   
  
Zelltoid: Hey!  
  
Irvy: HA!  
  
Zelltoid: Hey, she's writing our nicknames in the name spot thingy.  
  
Me: Mwahahahahaha! I can do what I want!  
  
Zelltoid: I like Zell better.  
  
Me: This is peeking punishment. Mwahahahaha...  
  
Zelltoid: I won't anymore! Promise!  
  
Me: You sure?  
  
Zelltoid: Yes, just please...sobs Make it stop!  
  
Me: Okay. I'm getting annoyed by typing, "-toid" all the time anyway...  
  
Zell: Okay.  
  
Me: Whatever.  
  
Zell: Thank you!  
  
Quistis: You are pathetic, Zell.  
  
Zell: Why thank you. Does it turn you on?  
  
Quistis: No.  
  
Zell: Damn...  
  
...30 Minutes later...  
  
Zell is sitting on a boulder, Quistis is practicing with her whip, and Selphie, and Irvine are in the car.  
  
Irvine (As he, and Selphie exit the car): Rinoa is really beginning to smell BAD.  
  
Selphie (pinching her nose): Rinoa stinky.  
  
Irvine: Have they-  
  
Quistis: Nope. Still at it.  
  
Selphie: Have they even taken a break?  
  
Quistis: Nope.  
  
Irvine: Damn.  
  
Zell: How's it possible?  
  
Quistis: They paced themselves, you moron.  
  
Zell: You didn't say that-  
  
Quistis (steps on his foot): ...  
  
Zell: OW!  
  
Selphie: We should throw someone over there.  
  
Zell: ME! ME!!!  
  
Irvine: Someone stupid.  
  
Zell: MEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Quistis: Someone that can take a beating.  
  
Zell: ME! ME! ME!  
  
All stare at Zell evilly. He gets frightened at the sudden attention.  
  
Zell: Don't look at me! 


End file.
